Från vännen M!
5
50procent
Husspekulant
· Haparanda
· 1 379 inlägg
50procent
Husspekulant
- Haparanda
- 1 379 inlägg
Ingen "polare" då ?ricebridge skrev:
Ändrat iofs5 50procent skrev:Ingen "polare" då ?
On his honeymoon, the groom took off his pants and said to the bride, “Here, try these on.” The bride did as she was told, and said, “These are too large. They don’t fit me...”
“Exactly,” replied the groom. ”I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don’t want you ever to forget that.”
Then the bride took off her pants and handed them to her husband as she said,
“Here, you try on mine!” As requested, he tried them on.
“I can’t get into your pants,” he said with a question in his tone.
“Exactly,” she replied. “And if you don’t change your attitude, you never will.”
“Exactly,” replied the groom. ”I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don’t want you ever to forget that.”
Then the bride took off her pants and handed them to her husband as she said,
“Here, you try on mine!” As requested, he tried them on.
“I can’t get into your pants,” he said with a question in his tone.
“Exactly,” she replied. “And if you don’t change your attitude, you never will.”
H
Hallerudsbo
Verktygstokig
· Värmland
· 3 093 inlägg
Hallerudsbo
Verktygstokig
- Värmland
- 3 093 inlägg
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have something to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
The cabbie says, "Sister, I’ve always had a fantasy about what it would be like to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, that's not all that unusual, but there are a couple of requirements that have to be met for me to be able help you out. First, you must be Catholic and you have to be single.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m Catholic and I'm single!”
“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” asks the nun, “why are you crying?”
The cabbie replies, “Forgive me sister, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm Jewish and I’m married too.”
The nun says, “Oh, that’s okay, my name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have something to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
The cabbie says, "Sister, I’ve always had a fantasy about what it would be like to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, that's not all that unusual, but there are a couple of requirements that have to be met for me to be able help you out. First, you must be Catholic and you have to be single.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m Catholic and I'm single!”
“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” asks the nun, “why are you crying?”
The cabbie replies, “Forgive me sister, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm Jewish and I’m married too.”
The nun says, “Oh, that’s okay, my name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”
A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asks.
“Well, I can think of one thing.” The man offers. Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone motorcyclists who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground and told him 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.
St. Peter was impressed. “When did this happen?” “Just a couple minutes ago.”
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asks.
“Well, I can think of one thing.” The man offers. Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone motorcyclists who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground and told him 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.
St. Peter was impressed. “When did this happen?” “Just a couple minutes ago.”
There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:
* 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
* 2 French men and 1 French woman
* 2 German men and 1 German woman
* 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
* 2 English men and 1 English woman
* 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
* 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
* 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere
* The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman
* The 2 Frenchmen and the French woman are living happily together in a “ménage à trois”
* The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman
* The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them
* The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman
* The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming.
* The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.
* The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any...
* 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
* 2 French men and 1 French woman
* 2 German men and 1 German woman
* 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
* 2 English men and 1 English woman
* 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
* 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
* 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere
* The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman
* The 2 Frenchmen and the French woman are living happily together in a “ménage à trois”
* The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman
* The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them
* The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman
* The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming.
* The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.
* The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any...
Jesus, Moses and a very old man are playing golf. At the first hole there was a water puddle aprox 10 ft. from the hole.
The first one to go was Moses. He swung and it was a beautiful shot but it headed right for the water puddle. Moses opened his eyes widely and the water split down the middle and the ball rolled through. The ball finally stopped about 5 ft from the hole. Jesus looked at Moses and said: Good shot Moses.
Jesus was up next. He swung and it was a beautiful shot but it was also heading directly for the water puddle. So Jesus opened his eyes very wide and the golf ball sprouted legs and walked on the water. The ball finally stopped about 3 ft from the hole. Moses looked at Jesus and said: Good shot Jesus.
Finally, it was the older man's turn. He swung and being a weak old man he only hit the ball about 15 ft. but before the ball stopped a gopher picks the ball up and begins to run away, then an eagle swoops down and grabs the gopher and begins to fly away with it, then a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, the eagle drops the gopher, the gopher hits the ground, the ball flies out of its mouth and into the hole. Jesus looks over at the old man and says: Good shot Dad.
The first one to go was Moses. He swung and it was a beautiful shot but it headed right for the water puddle. Moses opened his eyes widely and the water split down the middle and the ball rolled through. The ball finally stopped about 5 ft from the hole. Jesus looked at Moses and said: Good shot Moses.
Jesus was up next. He swung and it was a beautiful shot but it was also heading directly for the water puddle. So Jesus opened his eyes very wide and the golf ball sprouted legs and walked on the water. The ball finally stopped about 3 ft from the hole. Moses looked at Jesus and said: Good shot Jesus.
Finally, it was the older man's turn. He swung and being a weak old man he only hit the ball about 15 ft. but before the ball stopped a gopher picks the ball up and begins to run away, then an eagle swoops down and grabs the gopher and begins to fly away with it, then a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, the eagle drops the gopher, the gopher hits the ground, the ball flies out of its mouth and into the hole. Jesus looks over at the old man and says: Good shot Dad.
A ventriloquist was on his way to a show, and decided to stop at a farm and have some fun. He told farmer Brown that he can talk with animals, and they can talk to him. The farmer said "naw, I don't believe you." The ventriloquist walked up to a horse, and said " Hello horse, how are you and how does this farmer treat you?" The horse apparently answered back "I'm ok, and farmer Brown treats me fairly well." Farmer Brown shook his head, and again said "naw, you can't really talk with animals" So they walked up to cow, and again the ventriloquist asked the animal how Farmer Brown treats him, and the cow answered back "he treats me fairly well". Farmer Brown still did not believe the animals were talking. Then they walked up to a sheep. Suddenly Farmer Brown's eyes got as big as saucers, and he yelled out "Don't you believe a word she says. Them sheep is liars!"
A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2009
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. ***king hot down here!
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2009
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. ***king hot down here!
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